dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
