I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
