If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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