Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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