If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Randomize
