What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
even my farts smell like vagina
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Randomize
