if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
