only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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