seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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