He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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