Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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