Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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