Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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