apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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