Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
