life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
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