i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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