Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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