from now on my penis is your penis
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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