I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
