after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
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