our cab driver is having phone sex.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
