I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
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