WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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