I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
