he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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