I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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