I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
