Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
