Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
