you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
