lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
