i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
