I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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