My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Less talking, more tequila
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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