How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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