wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
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He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
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I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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