all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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