Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
