He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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