There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes