Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
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It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
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The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this