so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
We should try to put a bagel on your penis