If i could tip my vagina, i would.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
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We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
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Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
