thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Randomize
