I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
it glows. i had to have it.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Randomize
