I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
