at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
