i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
