I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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