I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Rumble strips road head = magical
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
