Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
