i would punch a child for taco bell
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
