she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
