Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
