I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
