i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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