I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
