Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
