Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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