First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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