she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
