OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
