I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
