i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
