i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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