She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
