hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
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I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
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pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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